The Top 14 Signs You're Not Watching the Real "Phantom Menace"

14. As if the girl-girl porno action weren't tacky enough, you can actually see the strings holding up the planets.

13. Somehow, R2-D2 manages to give Darth Maul the finger.

12. Right when Obi-Wan is about to whip out his "lightsaber," the screen goes blank and you have to put in another 50 cents.

11. Queen Amidala looks suspiciously like one of the Olsen twins.

10. As Leia Orgasma takes off her clothes, you realize you've stumbled into "The Phantom Moan-fest."

9. The "lightsaber duel" consists of nothing but two guys with Nerf baseball bats making lightsaber noises with their mouths.

8. None of the previews mentioned the evil Darth Diggler or queen Ches-Ti Ho.

7. The scene of the young Anakin Skywalker straddling his Pod Racer -- arms outstretched -- shouting, "I'm Lord of the Universe!" is just a tad derivative.

6. "Help me, Monica... You're my only hope!"

5. Leslie Neilsen as "Dark Mall"?! I don't friggin' think so!

4. Yoda looks awfully pale, and he keeps saying "Taco Bell, yo quiero."

3. "Starring Jerry Mathers as The Menace," just doesn't sound right.

2. Anakin Skywalker is played by a small black child whose only line is "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

1. You're having trouble reading the subtitled translations for Obi "Juan" Kenobi.